06.08.2009 20 °C
i finished the retreat! Now coming back in daily life after 10 days in quiet nature without speaking, seams to be really agressive!
But im so full of love and happiness, my face hurt cause of this eternal smile!
I could never have imagine that i would have realize so many things during this time. That was a lifde experience, abnd i will never forget it!
I was searching for so long, what is the source of real happiness, i tried to find it in people, travels, books, sport or whatever, but this is always changing, and it mades me sad at the end, cause i was attached to those things (exagerating qualities and never wanted things to end).
Through mediatation i peeled one by one the things i identified with, which were important, and then i realized that it remains something beyond that, a deep essence, the perfect, peaceful and eternally happy human nature. its like a huge mountain lake, a perfect blue sky!
The problem is that i realized our mind are chatting all the time, just try to concentrate on the breath and the min go away after some seconds "oh it seams to be a bit to quiet here", "what are we gonna have for diner?".... and it keep repeating the same rabbish all the time, some pictures arise, and without control negative emotions such as anger, jealousy, pride and greed arise and make impossible to be totally mindful and aware , we are away of the present moment, the only real one and worst of all we identify with those thoughs and emotions "I m such a impatient person", "im reallyjealous". But they are like clouds on a blue sky they cannot affect it and sooner or later they vanished.
They are just passing and rise again later. I realized that i was just the slave of my mind, allowing those emotions to take control of me.
But realizing that every beings on earth have this perfect buddha nature, every being is just controlled by his delusions and then suffer, realizing that after all we are all 5the same and all we want is being happy and free and suffering made rise in me a huge wave of love and conmpassion. May all beings on earth be happy and free of suffering!
Love and kindness is the fundamental human nature, i was even more sure of that after all this time travelling, after depending on so many person who made my trip by giving me so much everywhere.
However i realized that the only thing that can make me happy is when i act positivly, when i act for others happiness. Who can feel well when he is lying, speaking badly, stealing, jealous, in order to increase his own happiness at the depends of the others.
But all those behaviours can be released as well as the delusion and the ignorance that cause them.
everybody has a buddhahood inside of him and can be enlightened, but we dont know that!
I realized how precious are the others, jow useless it is to run after every material things, and being slef centered, when our "I" doesnt truly exist, at least not independently, partless and permanently (i wont give other details otherwise its without end right now!)
It difficult to explain all those teachings to resume it in just few words, but i feel now incredibly thankful and loving. I cried for the first time during this trip, ive never lost control of myself even during hard times, but just realizing that i was truly happy, seing in meditation my beloved ones so close to me, so real, and realizing amount of kindness and compassion everybody has in reserve.
Duruing a meditation i created a place in my heart, that was this summit i reached during a trekk in Laddakh, one by one everyone of the most important person came and were so happy to be there, smiling, it was simply perfect, i invited also strangers, other friends, animals... i cried also when i called vajrassatva, and he has the power to heal people, one by one, my dears and again strngers, and animals i met enter the gompa, and with a bright light, he free everyone from pain and suffer. was really intense. even more cause when you are meditating, you are so deeply concentrate that the usual feeling of your body dispears, you feel really light, head is floating away, and you have no more idea of space and relativity. A deep feeling of happiness invade you.
appart of analytical and visualization mediatation i tried the single concentrated one. its very intense as well, aim is to developp a clear mindfulness. when i approach it a bit one morning, as a dead empty tree in the forest, i could witness everything passing trhough my mind stream, but without judging it or giving any kind of energy to it. tatally in the present moment, the only real one, and everything seams so wonderful, so amazing, even the most tiny sound or feeling is a great art. aim is to keep this state of mind permanently, without being disturb by the keep chatting mind. i was so peaceful the whole day. was really powerful!
What did i do then during that time, appart of the 2 last intense meditation days. the other one i spent about 3 hours meditating, 3 hours listening to the teachings, 4 hours reading, and 1 hour yoga!
the rest was eating, resting, and simply enjoying being there!
It can seam to be a bit hard, but it was a so great time!so full of fun when we burst into laughts when a monkey enetr the kitchen and steal cookies or when we start meditating and then " MeUeUuUuUuUuUiiiiiiiiiiieuuuuuuuu".
or when moonsoon clouds enter the gompa, or sourround us and everything become foggy just for some seconds.
the food was alos so great! with home made bread and penut butter, vegetarian dishes (its a being with a buddha nature also, and he could have been our own mother in a previous life, causewe had countless lives if we believe in the smasare, the cycle of rebirths til reaching enlightenment)
and not speaking was also a perfect opportunity to live with myself, after having spend so much time opening to others while travelling.
to make short a wonderful time, exeptional experience, and i look forward to share what i ve learn with you sooner or later.
but now i have to rush to the bus to go to Dehli tonight (mmm a night without sleep in those old TATA buses, but its part of the experience, if i can i will try to take a train to go to darjeeling, and sikkim tomorrow, but trains are really crowded in india, if not whoknows, rajastan? agra? calcutta? lets see!
thanks for reading me!
may you be well and happy and free of suffering!